I don't need a cloak to become invisible

It is an incredibly frustrating feeling to be well...frustrated...and not know entirely why. I hate it. I half expected this summer to be the best ever (ya know...graduating, just working without taking classes, hanging out with friends, playing video games), but it just hasn't been what I expected. Maybe thats my fault. No, I'm sure its my fault. For the past year I've had certain expectations of how I wanted or at least hoped parts of my life would go and they just haven't gone that way at all.

Now, in a struggle to adapt to the disappointment, I'm mostly just floundering and not progressing. I'm beginning to feel emotionally empty and feel like I've been fighting to stay on top of things for so long now that I forget what it feels like to just feel comfortable. It's no good, and I'm no good at it. Yet, my biggest failure here is that I'm not letting God help me deal with it. It's so strange, to put so much of your life into God's hands and love the awesomeness of it, but still keep a small part of it just to yourself and think you can deal with it on your own. I've been doing that, just trying to be the best I can be and just let my love try to fix existing problems, but my own love isn't enough to do that. I can't do these things on my own and I'm frustrated with myself for forgetting about God and trying to for so long. But in a way, I'm thankful for God using something that hurts me to remind me that He wants to heal those wounds.

So I guess I'm in a strange place. I'm not looking to make any hugely practical changes, but instead let God heal my heart instead of trying to keep up with doing it all on my own. I can't heal the wounds as fast as Satan causes them...but God can. And will. And does. And is. Also, I need to keep working on loving others better, and not just the ones that I want to love, but the ones that are hard to love for whatever reason. Right now, there are definitely a few of those...but I can't let life blind me to the fact that Christ loves them. So I should too. And will. And do. Gah. I just want to love others and be happy. So yes, I'll do it.