I'm a dog chasing cars. I don't have plans. I just do things. I'm not a schemer.

Today I really felt the urge to buy something. It was payday and I don't very often haphazardly shop for myself (something about buyer's guilt, which actually does allow me to shop quite contentedly for others), but today I really just wanted to get something new and fun. So anyway, I spent about an hour at Borders and ended up with a Batman graphic novel that I'd heard good things about; Hush. I picked up both volumes and read the first already. It was soooo good. I'm saving the second for work Tuesday morning....I hate Tuesdays so hopefully this will help improve it! Hah!

Oh, and Final Fantasy XIII was announced for the XBOX 360 today at E3. Yep, I'm pretty sure the sky is falling.

"It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, it's never ever the thing you'd expect"

Ugh, life. Sometimes I get myself so twisted up with what I WANT to do and what I tell myself I SHOULD do to the point where I know one of them is a lie, but I can't figure out which anymore. All I know is that today was not what I expected it to be. And I loved it. Nothing makes sense and I don't even care anymore. I want to be turned upside down over and over until I can't breathe anymore and never see whats coming next. She does that to me and sometimes I just want to scream at how impossible everything seems but I know that I don't ever want to be without the craziness of it all and maybe I even thrive on it. Perhaps.

In other news, I got to 70 with Pedwing yesterday and started gearing him up for Karazhan, which is fun. Now to level up the Rogue, Wingped.

I made my second Blu-Ray purchase last night and it was dandy. Bridging the gap between Batman Begins and The Dark Knight is the animated feature Batman: Gotham Knight. It's six interlocking short films, each by a different director and art team. The result is an amazing, fantastic Bat-experience. Ah. I can't wait until Thursday night.

Uh, what?

Since I found myself in a Bat-mood lately (wonder why?), I decided that I would pick up some Batman comics during my weekly run to the comic book shop. I'd been thinking of checking out the brand new Batman event, Batman: RIP, since I'd heard about it so this seemed like a great time to jump on board. As of this week, there are only four issues available, so I grabbed all of them.

They were amazing, up to a point. The tone for the series is intensely dark, just as I'd hoped, but somewhere in issue three things took a turn for the indescribable. For some kooky reason, Grant Morrison feels the need to dig up a very silly Silver Age story. The story in question? Take a gander...



Yah. The Batman of Zur-En-Arrh has returned in all his glory. I still don't know what to say.

Mrglemrgle.

I really feel like I need one of these. Uh huh.

"From the hugely popular World of Warcraft PC game universe comes this fantastic talking Murloc Plush."

WTB! PST! :D

I don't need a cloak to become invisible

It is an incredibly frustrating feeling to be well...frustrated...and not know entirely why. I hate it. I half expected this summer to be the best ever (ya know...graduating, just working without taking classes, hanging out with friends, playing video games), but it just hasn't been what I expected. Maybe thats my fault. No, I'm sure its my fault. For the past year I've had certain expectations of how I wanted or at least hoped parts of my life would go and they just haven't gone that way at all.

Now, in a struggle to adapt to the disappointment, I'm mostly just floundering and not progressing. I'm beginning to feel emotionally empty and feel like I've been fighting to stay on top of things for so long now that I forget what it feels like to just feel comfortable. It's no good, and I'm no good at it. Yet, my biggest failure here is that I'm not letting God help me deal with it. It's so strange, to put so much of your life into God's hands and love the awesomeness of it, but still keep a small part of it just to yourself and think you can deal with it on your own. I've been doing that, just trying to be the best I can be and just let my love try to fix existing problems, but my own love isn't enough to do that. I can't do these things on my own and I'm frustrated with myself for forgetting about God and trying to for so long. But in a way, I'm thankful for God using something that hurts me to remind me that He wants to heal those wounds.

So I guess I'm in a strange place. I'm not looking to make any hugely practical changes, but instead let God heal my heart instead of trying to keep up with doing it all on my own. I can't heal the wounds as fast as Satan causes them...but God can. And will. And does. And is. Also, I need to keep working on loving others better, and not just the ones that I want to love, but the ones that are hard to love for whatever reason. Right now, there are definitely a few of those...but I can't let life blind me to the fact that Christ loves them. So I should too. And will. And do. Gah. I just want to love others and be happy. So yes, I'll do it.

I just want my coffee

I was half an hour late to work this morning. Not my favorite way to start the day.

On a more positive note...I'm going to get my hazelnut latte in just a bit. Yum!

Update: The printer network is down today...on the day of final exams. Huh. Maybe the latte will have to wait...

All the possibility and promise just weighs on me so heavily

I don't feel like I fit in with the mindset of most of my friends. And I guess by most of my friends, I really mean my guy friends. For example, most of my guy friends really just want to have fun, party, play videogames and do their own thing. I know I used to be that way, especially back in my WoW addict days, but it just seems so unappealing now.

Instead, I find myself more interested in acting almost like a married person. Intense, I know. For example, today I went out with one of my best female friends to look for a dress for a wedding she's going to and on top of that hitting up JOANNE'S FABRICS, of all places, for some sewing supplies. I had a legitimately awesome time and that just makes me realize how far out of sync I am with the other people I spend my time with.

Don't get me wrong, I still love my WoW (and my currently lvl 65 warrior...woot!) and doing "guy" things from time to time, but more than ever I realize that I've kind of moved on from those things being a priority and am ready for something a little more substantial. I remember talking about possibly getting married just two years ago to the person I was dating at the time and it honestly scared the heck out of me. In fact, I'm sure some of the more selfish and mean decisions I made during that time were just me going into survival mode and trying to escape a relationship that demanded more of me. Now I'm just dying for whatever "more" is.

Oh to be dangerous, just once

I need to work on channeling Christ into the way I express myself on a routine basis. I think thats honestly where I've found my biggest hangup in my relationship with Christ time and time again. Like, I know my Bible reasonably (okay probably better than reasonably) well, but what does that really mean anyway? Truthfully, its nothing without the attitude to back it up.

Really what I'm getting at here is patience and understanding. These are two areas where I fall woefully short of where I need to be. The lack unnecessarily complicates friendships and relationships along the way. Yet, I hope that in admitting it I am taking a first step of sorts towards repairing the flaw.

At the same time, I push to be more self-assured. It's easy for me to second guess myself and abilities based on other people's reactions to me, and its got to stop. I'm likely an all-around pretty average person, but I also know what I do well and I'm not going to be shy about it, especially when it comes to potentially life-changing situations. It doesn't make me arrogant, it just makes me right.

As a man of Christ I should be caring and comforting, but never lacking in fiery passion and self-assuredness. It's an interesting, wonderful, crazy balance, but that's part of what makes Christ so compelling and wild.

To those who hated Christ's message, he was seen as dangerous. Shouldn't we be the same?