So you're fixed, but what did you have to break to get there?

I can't help but feel I'm getting the worst end of this.

"through being cool meets ...is a real boy"

Two Tongues. Max Bemis + Chris Conley. Sometime during the last summer, Max Bemis became my favorite writer/performer of really...ever. He writes pretty much exactly the way my brain works, which is something, to say the least. So wow, I'm really enjoying these new songs. Still hoping that somehow Say Anything is one of the bands that plays here in the spring. *Crosses fingers*

Listening to:
Two Tongues
Crawl
If I Could Make You Do Things
Dead Lizard

I'm ready to hear you say who I am is quite enough

Words, words. I type, delete, type, delete; over and over and over. If words are to be believed, they have to remain grammatically and syntactically in place. I talk with the insert key pressed down.

when oh when will this sinking feeling feel like "man that was ages ago."

i honestly cannot sleep right now due to being completely overwhelmed by the new taking back sunday songs that are currently floating around the internet. i kind of knew they were out there but hadn't taken the time to look them up, but oh my goodness. this is emotional overload. as strange or silly as it may seem, its hard for me to even write about this right now just because i don't know that i even have the words right now, but i wanted to write to process through it nonetheless. i've listed tbs among my favorite bands since high school, which is now nearly six years away from me, but nothing since "tell all your friends" (2002) has really resonated with me the way that particular album did. its the one i'll listen to again and again on repeat and find myself just lost in the rawness of it. the follow-up albums were just too slick and polished for my tastes. too rock-radio friendly. but this. is something new. perhaps appropriately titled "new again," i'm still waiting until march for the official release of the album, but already i can tell i'm going to be in love all over again. there is so much raw passion and energy in these new songs. the glossy-pop friendly hooks are gone and all the grit and edginess is back. and my dear goodness, the lyrics. wow. just wow. i love all three of the songs i've found, but just this one in particular, "everything must go," has me floored. i feel that i always come upon the music i need to hear just when i need it the most which may just come down to me really searching out for it at particular times but right now i feel like i've finally found something i've been trying to find for months. my heart feels at home.

we found a house with a big yard
and moved all of my things
and most of your things, in
and honey i was proud of it
honey i was proud of you

some boxes, that
hand-me-down couch, and that chair
that used to be at your church
we borrowed them from there
a cabinet record player with nothing but james taylor
two carpets from the corner store
cover the hardwood floor
i'd be a fool to have asked for more

you quote the Good Book
when its convenient
but you don't have the sense
no you don't have the sense
to talk this through to dawn
instead you're sloshing through the mud

the love you had was good enough
the path that we were stuck between
but so much stuff must go tonight

you quote the Good Book
when its convenient
but you don't have the sense
no you don't have the sense

SPEAK

For my Young Adult Lit (TPTE 595) class, I have been reading Laurie Halse Anderson's Speak, of which I knew nothing before I started to read it. First off, I have to say that the novel is phenomenal and I'm nothing short of amazed at how good Anderson's ear for teenage-speak is. Much of the time I was reading Twilight, I was constantly thinking how stupid some of the dialogue was (but don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy those books). It just never sounded like real teenagers to me. Instead, Stephanie Meyer's characters were an exaggeration of typical teenager talk. The character's in Speak are vibrant, moody and more realistic than any other replication of adolescence I've ever come across. Moving past that, Anderson captures the essence of growing up and the often very difficult process that it is. At times I found myself laughing at the absurdity of it all before wincing as the protagonist Melinda revealed her story, which is heartbreakingly similar to stories I've heard from too many female friends. Although it is put into the YA box, I cannot recommend Speak enough. This novel reminds me exactly why I want to teach High School, and especially Literature. There's so much going on outside the classroom for these young people and sometimes it can be easy for older people to forget what adolescence was like. Through literature, I'm so incredibly excited to interact with my students and make connections that will help them interpret all the massive information coming into their heads and use it to ultimately better their lives. Sure, I'm still a very young teacher and incredibly idealistic, but I can't wait to be a part of my student's lives.

I'm a mascot for what you've become, I love the mayhem more than the love.

If I'm wrong, I'm sorry. But I think I'm right this time.

last year's wishes are this year's apologies

As cliche as it sounds, I've been going over the idea of New Year's Resolutions, especially the half-hearted ones of the past. I think what strikes me most about them is this idea that the new year is a new start with new beginnings and all sorts of newness. Waking up today, I see that none of my problems or circumstances have changed at all. Today is exactly the same as yesterday, this year the same as last year. At least, thats the way it looks from a physical perspective. Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was some sort of reset button so that when the clock chimed midnight for 2009 all the mistakes and troubles of the last year were just erased? It's easy to think that things would be so much better that way, but you know, really, that wouldn't be any help at all. As much as I want to erase certain things and individuals from my past, I would be erasing the lessons learned at the same time. At least this way, I know what mistakes to avoid this time around, which I suppose is the point of New Year's Resolutions and newness in general. Last night, about an hour after the new year was born, I allowed myself to feel more frustration than I've been letting myself feel towards someone who used to be one of my best friends. I think that was the breaking point for this idea that nothing really changes as the year passes, except for our attitudes and actions. My feelings (good and bad) hadn't and won't change that easily, and that person's treating me like I don't exist anymore won't just automatically change either. People have to choose to change. We've got to be better than the petty arguments and grudges we allow to change us. I want to be better and to continually learn to be a better friend and I hope all my wonderful friends will hold me accountable for that. Thats what I want from newness.