everybody dies alone.

GAH! This episode (Firefly - Out of Gas) is so good. Seriously. It's things like this that inspire me to tell stories. I'm ecstatic.

there's no place i can be, since i found serenity

Firefly is not only the best sci-fi I've ever seen, but the best show period. Simply put, Firefly is a science-fiction western. The mix is odd, but endearing. Please, watch it.

Spread love like violence.

I oscillate. I know that. And it often makes little sense to anyone but me, which is fine. Right now I'm thinking about how much I love Angels & Airwaves, but really only came to this realization after going back and listening to all the old Blink-182 albums for a few days. It's amazing to see such progression both musically (of which I understand little) and lyrically (with which I feel a greater connection). I love these lines, "I can hear you breathe / I'm feeling the shake / and sound of my heartbeat." I love simple, honest, emotive lyrics.

I'm feeling very positive, hopeful and okay right now.

I thought we could wait for the snow to wash over Georgia and kill the hurt.

I don't know why I even try to make anyone happy. I only get feedback when I'm disappointing. Fine. I get it. I'm not what you want me to be. Just give up on me already.

Filled with fire, I'm drinking gasoline to make it go faster.

Friday. Comic books. Little Caesars. The mall (oh so high school). Miniatures. Best Buy. Eric's apartment is amazing. A slightly still hazy Friday night, although I think Eric and I entered into some sort of business contract together. After that is blurry, all I know is that it cost me $40. Stuart MIA. Saturday. Sleeping. Headache. Loaning clothes and thus being an integral part of a successful job interview. McKays. Blink-182 cds. $20 Final Fantasy Tactics...almost. Laura in from Chattanooga. Very yum dinner. I love when people cook for me. Make note to return favor. Political musings. Narrowly avoided Sassy Ann's. Stuart still MIA. Sunday. The Complete Works of Shakespeare (Abridged). Funniest, liveliest show I've seen yet at the CBT. I love the lab theater. Erin played Stars, "The First Five Times." I bristled with excitement. Three Epics. Fifteen Badges. Learned to tank Heroics. First ZA. Oh yah, and I got internet. In my apartment. Yes. All things considered, a relatively successful weekend. The first weekend I haven't wanted to end in a long time. I still miss you.

Yeah we're stubborn and melodramatic

It was pointed out to me that I'm not very good at "being still." I know, I'm not. I struggle with just letting things happen because I always have this nagging feeling that if I don't try to keep things going they'll just fall apart. I don't know. I know I'm being vague, sorry.

I want life in every word to the extent that its absurd

I'm somewhat obsessed with dying. I don't mean afraid of dying. What I think concerns me the most is the mess I'll leave behind. I think of all the little things I've left undone and I don't mean finishing up school or stories even. Sure I worry slightly about the state of my physical affairs and what sort of impression or responsibilities I'll be leaving for others, although I tend to think that my friends and family will not be too concerned with my dirty dishes or messy apartment. I worry about Luna. She's probably the only one that actually needs me and though I know someone would take care of her very well, I still think she'd be the one to notice me being gone the most.

Mostly I worry about the relationships where I've said or done too little, despite always wanting or intending to do more. I'm afraid of being gone and unable to reassure my friends and family that I always noticed the little things they did for me and that I was always thankful for them being in my life. I don't mean to go down this path with the intention of letting my life feel like a shadow is closing in on it, but rather as a means of encouragement; to encourage myself to be more proactive in all of my relationships and life in general. I don't want anyone to need to question how I'm feeling or whether or not I'll be there for them tomorrow, next week or next year.

Lately some of the more important relationships have been a struggle to maintain. I'm weary from the emotional strain and at times wonder whether I have anything left to give. Part of me feels broken. And yet, when I feel that my heart is no longer salvageable is when there's that little breath of air, a respite. As time goes by, I grow more attached to The Dark Knight's Harvey Dent (and will probably find a way to include TDK in my posts for a long while) and his philosophy towards life. "I make my own luck," he says. I believe in that. My supply of determination and constancy is endless because I choose it to be. In a way, that's reassuring. Not that there aren't other reassurances. Faint, but still tangible. I can believe in that.