mmm....brains.

"You give my emptiness a name"

2010-02-20T13:03:00.003-05:00

Favorite bit of words at the moment.

It kills me not to know this, but I've all but just forgotten
What the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them

In honor of a holiday that means nothing

2010-02-14T21:50:00.002-05:00

You can be empty and I could be right here empty with you
Or you could be hollow and I could be right here hollow with you
If you want to say goodbye to everything I could say goodbye too
I could be right here empty with you

If it means a lot to you

2010-02-05T01:24:00.003-05:00

I can't even express how much I love what I do. Sure, the planning and grading are tedious, but interacting with the students more than makes up for it. The past month has been the best of my internship so far. Now I just have to pretend to care about my action research. Booo.

Amazing, Because It Is

2010-02-02T00:25:00.005-05:00

I go through cycles within my own music listening habits, often moving back and forth between a wide range of sounds. I've currently been on a kick where I need everything to be harder, louder and faster. Some of it has to do with entering a period of my life where I'm really searching for something elusive as I try to figure out what comes next? Partly I just need the energy boost in order to keep "bringing it," so to speak, as far as my classroom teaching goes. Either way, I've found myself pushing in new directions as far as my tastes go in a variety of different areas. Growth is supposed to hurt a little, right? This song, by The Almost, really captures of the essence of what I'm feeling right now as my fingers tap-tap away at the keys.

Amazing, Because It Is.

I was so scared of everything you put in front of me
I've been arching every part of me
Just to see
Why you need me to be
The boy you need me to be

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
And now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

I just wanna see

I'm the type of person who lets fear drive
I'm the type of guy that lets it drive
Cause I'm addicted, I'm needy
I mean it
I'm lost without you
I need you
I name you.

And thus starts the best year of my life*

2010-01-04T02:39:00.003-05:00

*Finishing up grad school and getting that teacher's license will do that. There's still a little room for a couple of bonuses in there, but more on that later. Wouldn't want to get ahead of myself. I'm incredibly disappointed in the Broncos (and Vols for that matter) utter collapse, but 2010 looks pretty bright for both teams. I just have to survive until June!

Also, hopefully this year Ted will finally meet his kid's mother!!!! I've been waiting five seasons...let's get to it!!

Oh and welcome back, Rachael. ;)

Get Me Right

2009-12-28T18:36:00.002-05:00

From now on, I will say a lot more.

"I've grown to love the pain"

2009-12-15T19:16:00.001-05:00

One month's worth of hard work down the drain. Awesome.

You're talking a lot, but you're not saying anything

2009-11-30T01:44:00.003-05:00

I thought I was going to type up this great little recap of where life has gone over the past month. Actually, I did type it up. Highlight. Delete. None of it really matters I suppose. What does matter is that I am incredibly grateful and thankful for everyone who has supported me this semester and even anyone who will take a few seconds to read this. I know I can be a bit of a pain, but I love you all very much. Hey, the Denver Broncos are 7-4 and still have a shot at the playoffs. November left me in pretty good shape. Brc.

Can I lay with you in your grave?

2009-11-05T20:26:00.001-05:00

Haikus for November.

November brings death
Skeletal frames falling down
Earth finds slow ruin

November heralds
A process of slow rebirth
What dies soon returns

We didn't really see Arcade Fire.

2009-10-02T00:38:00.003-04:00

from "dao of st. paul" - 3eb

"I spent the last three years setting myself on fire for you

I spent the last three years never knowing if what you say is true

It'll be this way 'til one of us dies. It's a blessing in disguise."

Not much of a title

2009-09-29T23:55:00.003-04:00

Today was one of those days where everything just clicked and I really felt like I'm where I should be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Although nothing major happened, I left school today feeling incredibly fulfilled in my role as a teacher and ability to help my students "get it." It definitely helps that I have more than a handful who really make class a joy. Good times, man. Good times.

"You were so pretty in the days you spoke your mind"

2009-09-28T01:04:00.003-04:00

What a perfect Sunday; and a wonderful way to start a new week. Broncos improve to 3-0 with the win over Oakland and the Rockies keep the Cardinals at bay to win the series and move just a little bit closer to the playoffs. Also, I had this great win last night in an online game of MLB The Show 09 against some guy who was pretty pissed when I came from behind in the bottom of the 9th and ended the game with a walk-off ball to the gap :) Every day that passes brings me and Natalie one day closer to Third Eye Blind! Lyrics!

"Water Landing" -3eb

When will I start to learn?

I'm bleeding in this game

'Cause she uses boys like bandages

But the wounds remain the same

And I hope you find it through this endless wandering

I'm missing you for so long

You're a question mark and a scar

And you twist me up like a tourniquet

'Til I don't know who we are

I know chasing after you won't change a thing

And I hope you find it through this endless wandering

Change everything I know

She won't let me come. And she won't let me go

Let me come inside.

Inside.

I was late and my face was wet

Tow up in a private jet

Spiraling down with a cigarette

Where we going now? 'Cause I forget

And I gotta get it all, but it takes a toll

But if it gets so high will it grow a soul?

Dark side giving me such a pull, such a pull

And if it's a water landing, then it's a water landing

Put on your life vest only if told to do so

Well I'm telling you now, strap it across your chest

Prepare yourself for impending death

You and me are nose-diving at the speed of whiplash

Life flashes by in an endless plane crash

A muffled "I love you" through an oxygen mask on my face

Brace. Brace.

In the cabin you're etched with religious conversions

God's sick joke as we lose the engines

Some people scream, some keep low and gracious

And the reason's the same, 'cause the sky outside is so spacious

It's so spacious

So if it's a water landing, then it's a water landing

And it's coming inside.

Inside.

Third Eye Blind 10/6 - 1000 Julys

2009-09-21T00:55:00.002-04:00

October is shaping up to be something special this year. The Rockies are almost certainly going to be playing in the postseason, Say Anything's new record comes out and now Third Eye Blind is on the list of things to do. I knew I loved October - I had just forgotten why. Here's to starting off a number of days of my favorite 3eb songs :)

1000 Julys -3eb

Planning my attack just before you come back around

Maybe I'm wrong but I don't know how to back down

I never fit in - I don't belong

But it doesn't matter when we feel strong

'Cause I'm a vampire ya'll and we toast the blood of our enemies

and you're still scared of me, no?

Wonder what its like when you're living with someone like me?

I'm a freak and I'm nervous when it's easy

Feral days I'm sex crazed - I put it in with my animal ways

That's the sign I was born to be livin' in

I ran around and gave the finger to the Ritalin

You can calm me down and I can't say why

You burn my eyes - a thousand julys

I'd give you the words but no words come to mind

You turn me so cold so I tell you lies

When you let me in its like a thousand julys

Say Anything meets Twilight

2009-09-03T20:07:00.002-04:00

This song is about eight years old, but I've just fallen in love with it recently. It reminds me in some ways of the "musical portion" of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and obviously very similar (but pre-dating) to the ideas presented in the absurdly popular Twilight series (and True Blood to a lesser extent). I've always been enamored by the slightly twisted take on romance and relationships that Say Anything brings to the table and this is just another beautiful example of that strange negotiation between love, fear and violence.

"Translyvanian"

Bent over the grand piano, I feel my eyes slide over you

Legs that curve the same as hers, could run as quickly too

My lazy tongue lies low and ready, it cannot seem to speak its words

I'd axe it off to shut me up, but you've already heard;

The murders have occurred

So take me where they cannot see us and lay me down on coffin rich dirt

Tonight I am a Translyvanian, a taste of you won't hurt

'Cause I am numb to every feeling, stubborn ears will hear no sound

My last few rounds have left me reeling, my teeth are on the ground

I've taken pound for pound

The path into this heart is littered with corpses and strewn with body parts

Of those who came before, so just give up

The path into this heart is littered with corpses and strewn with body parts

Of stronger souls than you, stronger souls than you

So child don't go getting your hopes up

So I heave my breath at burning wax 'cause I know that spark ain't coming back

2009-08-24T01:01:00.005-04:00

Dedicated to this weekend.

Say Anything - "By Tonight"

You're looking quite sharp, sugar
You've got some teeth on that stare
You've got them tattered blue jeans on
You've done that thing with your hair
This bed could use a secret, and these pounding hearts could keep it
If you could, then I could, I swear

'Cause you turned me on and I'd like to know if you were trying
And angel we are so gone
By tonight, the earth bursts open
By tonight, we shed this clothing
By tonight, you'll see me from the angle that you missed

You're looking high-strung, sugar
Why don't you sink a little bit
Into the sea of sweat our skin can spit?
It was good to keep me guessing 'cause you know I hate attention
But can we get down to it? Can we get down to it?

Your heart is a grave, to be perfectly honest

2009-08-14T01:22:00.003-04:00

so long forgotten friend

you don't know the difference

between love and submission

and i'm not that obedient

"+44"

So long sweet summer

2009-08-10T01:14:00.004-04:00

For me, it is officially over. I didn't accomplish near the amount of things I'd hoped (isn't it always that way?), but mostly I'm feeling up to the challenge of moving on to something new. Its exciting to be so close to really moving on and creating something much better for myself in terms of personal growth, but also to now be in a position to bring something better to other people's lives as well. Just don't be too surprised if I kind of fall of the face of the earth over the next semester or so...just call me, text me, invite me to coffee! :D Goodnight and farewell to another summer.

"This smoking-gun mouth of mine has many victims to its name"

2009-08-03T12:01:00.002-04:00

the twisted thoughts that come out of your mind

are heartless at best; they keep you from your own recovery

it takes fun out of living when you have no life

you can't answer, you can't decide

now you have the guilt of me on your lips

n.f.g.

Broadband brings wave of change to East Africa; one Warcraft player thrilled.

2009-07-23T13:17:00.005-04:00

This just made my day. I noticed an article on the BBC website talking about broadband internet arriving this month for the first time ever in East Africa. I started reading the comments (from mostly African posters) and found a number of enthusiastic responses on how this was going to change commerce, education and communication for a large number of Africans. I tried to imagine what it would be like not having the access to the web that we are so used to and then I came across this comment somewhere near the bottom:

Maybe I'll finally be able to PvP as a normal human being in world of warcraft. Its really not fun trying to interrupt a 1.5 second heal with 1.49 seconds delay.
Nick, Middelburg, South Africa

Sam Raimi to direct Warcraft movie

2009-07-22T07:57:00.002-04:00

"Blizzard Entertainment, Inc. and Legendary Pictures announced today that Sam Raimi has signed on to direct the eagerly-anticipated major motion picture based on Blizzard Entertainment®’s award-winning Warcraft® universe. Raimi has, in the course of his career, clearly demonstrated a genius for developing and adapting existing fictional universes for mainstream audiences while staying true to the spirit of the original content.
Raimi directed the Spider-Man trilogy, which has broken box-office records around the world and garnered five Academy Award® nominations. Known for his imaginative filmmaking style, richly drawn characters and offbeat humor, Raimi wrote and directed the cult classic, The Evil Dead and produced 30 Days Of Night. He most recently wrote and directed the supernatural thriller, Drag Me To Hell.

"At its core, Warcraft is a fantastic, action-packed story," said Raimi. "I am thrilled to work with such a dynamite production team to bring this project to the big screen.""

Groundbreaking news. I thought a Warcraft movie would be rubbish for certain, but now my inner (and not very hidden) nerd is giddy with anticipation. This revelation is especially shocking considering yesterday's confession to a friend that Raimi would be my dream director for my in-progress zombie script. One can hope?

Your Own Disaster ft/MICHELLE NOLAN!!! (Old school TBS)

2009-07-22T01:10:00.003-04:00

Don't get me wrong, I love Taking Back Sunday...but they had so much more promise with John and Michelle Nolan.

"Just think of this and me
as just a few of the many things
to lie around, to clutter up your shelves
and I wish you weren't worth the wait
'cause there's some things I'd like to say to you
and I don't think that you know
what you've been missing
I dare you to forget the marks
you left across my neck
from those nights when we were both
found at our best
You know I could make this obvious, and you
you could deny me in one breath
just shrug me off your shoulders
You move slow like daytime drama
and i'm boring like his songs
and while you're taking me for granted
I'll be humming along
Hey lush, have fun, its the weekend
I hope you're choking on the words
that kissed that bottle
Forget me, it's that simple
Forget me
It's that simple"

the middle films are always the saddest

2009-07-20T07:54:00.003-04:00

"A Slow Descent," written by John Nolan of Straylight Run for Adam Lazzara of Taking Back Sunday, detailing the split between the two bands. This is one of those songs I always find a way to approach with a new understanding and new disappointments. Mostly its just brilliant.

i'm tired
cynical and broken, but wiser
heavy with a sense of resentment
but i used to be so much different
i used to have so much faith
when i started
you knew that i always meant it
i knew i could make a difference
i struggled to be heard
and then finally, one day people started listening
and i knew it
but as soon as it began it was ruined
a slow descent from unique to routine
over and over
just do it again
"and this time with feeling"
the spotlight, all the focus
on the friends and the feelings
that made those stupid songs all worth singing
and don't you say a word
unless you're pretty sure that you want it analyzed
so we drove for what seemed like days
over roads and four lane highways
we said all we had to say
and i realized in time that it didn't mean anything
never, not ever again
not like that
"it's only a matter of time"

Haiku 08

2009-07-20T02:53:00.003-04:00

lean in; slur your words

can't hear a thing you're saying

but it won't matter

"I miss the sound of your voice, not just the way I play it back in my head."

2009-07-19T16:56:00.003-04:00

For Rachael - you Shakespeare-hating villainess.

"Are we star crossed lovers

or just big talkers?

Those are pretty heavy words

for a pretty little girl

Get over the romance baby

Are the dirty scarlet letters

even forming words that matter?"

take cover.

Haiku 05 06 07

2009-07-04T01:52:00.004-04:00

i flew over a
thunderstorm and thought of you
it was beautiful

for you i composed
seventeen syllables and
your reply; a "j"

you know in fight club
when he wants the plane to crash?
yeah, i hoped that too

Haiku 04

2009-07-02T21:03:00.003-04:00

over-sized paws pounce,
topple like buckets of sand;
a furious Howl

Haiku 03

2009-07-01T11:47:00.001-04:00

she; a sudden gale
splitting thunderous heaven
dissipates to calm

Haiku 02

2009-06-30T21:45:00.001-04:00

yellow cardigan
loosely worn with a v-neck;
what i remember

Daily Haiku

2009-06-30T09:39:00.003-04:00

soda pop sparkles:
innocent celebration
of a summer love

OSX Snow Leopard - On The Prowl (teehee)

2009-06-10T09:10:00.003-04:00

Okay, sorry for the obviously terrible pun. But really, I'm more than excited for the latest iteration of OSX to be released in September. I really can't say enough how pleased I've been with my Macbook since I bought it in August, so Snow Leopard is going to take an already fantastic product and improve on it. The new OS is going to run faster, smoother and prettier than the one before. Also, it promises to use up 6GB less HD space. More importantly, Mac users are finally getting a 64 bit OS. Exciting, yeah? But seriously, the best part is that its only going to be a $29 upgrade for anyone running an Intel based OSX already running on their Mac. Yay September!

[Almost] 'A Decade Under the Influence': Taking Back Sunday Ranked.

2009-06-03T07:47:00.005-04:00

Eight years ago, Taking Back Sunday released their first full-length album Tell Your Friends, and a high-school version of yours truly would be hooked from then on. My foray into music that wasn't specifically sanctioned by my country loving parents (God bless them) had arguably started a few years prior, but it wasn't until TBS that I became truly passionate about whatever disc was spinning endlessly in my Walkman. It was raw and energetic and although I hadn't really dated anyone, well ever, something told me that the words Adam Lazarra screamed into the mic were exactly how I would feel about the complications of young love. Now significantly older, I've been listening to the band's fourth studio album New Again for going on six days; just enough to feel compelled to write down my thoughts and even more, to rank it among the others. Reverse order, here is my worst to best of Taking Back Sunday.

4. Louder Now - 2006
Okay so I don't exactly hate it, but honestly the record just feels a little empty in places. I suppose its a testament to how much I actually like everything TBS puts out that I really do enjoy a couple songs from this one, but on average Louder Now is...well, average. A number of the singles were pretty radio friendly, but lyrically the album is just a little bland. In the past, the lyrics have worked so well largely in part to their highly personal nature, but most of these songs just seem too Top 40ish to have any soul. The album's closer "I'll Let You Live" stands out, but the rest of the songs offer a less than compelling reason to listen to more than once in a sitting.

3. Tell Your Friends - 2002
This is the album that converted me to TBS and for many years was my favorite. The raw, focused energy and brutally honest lyrics begged to be listened to in my car stereo or headphones, wherever I happened to be. I actually listened to this one nearly every time I had to cut grass because of the amount of adrenaline it sent through me. It's still one of my top favorite albums ever, but it never sounds as perfect as I remember it being. Favorite track from this one: "No I in Team."

2. New Again - 2009
If Louder Now was a disappointment, the appropriately titled New Again is a confident resurgence. Musically, the newest effort is the most diverse and recognizably skillful. TBS replaces guitarist and back up vocalist Fred Mascherino with Matt Fazzi on this one and the result is something that feels a lot like the older and wiser brother of Tell Your Friends. The energy and passion are back in full force combined with some seriously amazing musical performances from the entire band. Give me a year or two and this may well be my favorite. Best and most addictive tracks include: "Swing" and "Everything Must Go."

1. Where You Want To Be - 2004
Honestly, the music from New Again is of a higher quality, but taken as a whole, this album has to be tops. Every single track is one that I have and will still listen to three or four times in a row before moving on. The very first (of four) TBS show I went to was a couple weeks after the release of this album which I'm sure adds to the nostalgia factor. Of any album lyrics I've ever posted on Facebook, LiveJournal or otherwise, this remains my most-quoted album. Every time I hear "Spent the night lit, listening to Miles Davis / you said it makes you want to fall in love or keep your distance / you can't decide" I sing along and get it. Best tracks: all of them, but mostly "One-Eighty By Summer," "Bonus Mosh Pt. 2," and "Little Devotional."

For you Facebook folks, I tagged some of you because I'd really like to hear your opinion and what you think of New Again.

Dating 10,000 BC AKA "Club her and drag her back to the cave."

2009-06-02T11:47:00.005-04:00

"Learn exactly how to approach women and avoid rejection, even if you are not rich or handsome."

I love Facebook ads.

More Audio Bliss. "This is Twice Now" - Lydia

2009-05-15T10:32:00.002-04:00

The lyrics to this song are not only beautiful, but pertinent to someone I used to know.

Baby just ask once more
Cause I saw your door wide open,
but the floor is still freezing
Hailey I was sick and I'm still quite unwell
but tell me it's you or nothing at all

Cause I stole your soul
You said I'd never be able
But oh the whole world is still on my string

Second time now and you've done this before
Drive around the back so I can't see them
But you're still freezing
Let me take your coat and your keys and this car
Cause I've been unwell far too long now

But oh, the whole world is still on my string
Yeah, its still on my string
You said I'd never be able

Today's Audio Bliss. ("I Can Feel A Hot One," Manchester Orchestra)

2009-05-12T11:08:00.002-04:00

I could feel a hot one taking me down, for a moment I could feel the force
Fainted to the point of tears, you were holding on to make a point
What's the point?
I am but a clean man, stable and alone man
Make it so I won't have to try, so I face the fact that I'm just fine
I said I'm just fine, I'm just fine
I remember head down, after you had just found out
Manna is a hell of a drug and I need a little more I think
Because enough is never quite enough, what's enough?
I took like a grown man crying on the pavement
hoping you would show your face, But I haven't heard a thing you've said
in at least a couple hundred days, what'd you say?
I was in the front seat shaking it out, and I was asking if you felt alright
I never want to hear the truth, I want to hear your voice, it sounded fine
My voice, it sounded fine
I could feel my heartbeat taking me down and for the moment I would sleep alright
I'm dealing with a selfish fear to keep me up another restless night
The blood was dry, it was sober, the feeling of audible cracks
And I could tell it was over from the curtains that hung from your neck
And I realized then you were perfect, and my teeth ripping out of my head
And it looked like a painting I once knew, back when my thoughts weren't entirely intact
To pray for what I thought were angels ended up being ambulances
And the Lord showed me dreams of my daughter, she was crying inside your stomach
and I felt love again.

"i like this ship! it's exciting!"

2009-05-08T08:01:00.005-04:00

Star Trek (2009) exceeded even my loftiest expectations for what it could be. It was decidedly nerdtacular enough to feel like a true Trek film, but ridiculously accessible for the non-traditional Trek viewer. Honestly, just perfect. The plot gets a little slippery at times, but hey, this is Star Trek; we're talking warp speed, photon torpedos, phasers, aliens who look just like humans but have pointy ears (elves?) etc. Suspend your disbelief and I'm sure the Trek black hole science will make some sort of sense. That aside, the actors got the job done admirably with a very healthy mix of the dramatic (John Cho was really good) and incredidbly comedic (Chris Pine and Karl Urban are hilarious together) and Uhura (Zoe Saldana) was insanely hot and only the second most beautiful part of the movie, behind the newly designed U.S.S Enterprise. I'm one pleased Trek fan. Please bring me the sequel, thank you.

shake it out.

2009-05-07T10:18:00.001-04:00

I felt the world begin
to peel off all my skin
and I felt the weight within
reveal the bigger mess
that you can't fix
-m.o.

yawn.

2009-05-03T06:25:00.002-04:00

So I've been getting really tired around 11:30pm and just giving in and going to sleep then waking up at 4:30-5am the last few days and I have to admit that I kind of like this schedule better. Hopefully I can do it all semester long so getting up for work won't be a problem in the fall. Pretty sure HVA starts at 8:30am although I've heard some rumblings that Knox County was looking into pushing Secondary start times back to 9:30am for bus route issues. I guess I'd be cool with that. Speaking of HVA, all us interns are supposed to be there Monday afternoon for the official tour/meet & greet and hopefully finding out which classes we'll be teaching. Have to say, I'm getting more and more excited for the fall to get here.

i needed somewhere to hang my head, without your noose

2009-04-27T13:42:00.000-04:00

i've got another confession, my friend.

the art of losing

2009-04-27T12:18:00.003-04:00

i still believe it when you say its another perfect day (you're just the flavor of the week).

"days of the future past"

2009-04-24T02:59:00.002-04:00

"Wars, famine, disease. 400 years later, nothing has changed. When God wasn't happy with what he created, he made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. He just washed it all away. He had the right idea, because when this virus is released, those of us who are left will be granted a second chance. And I'll be their hero."
-Heroes

Heroes' superhero lore is actually pretty fascinating as it mixes standard comic book fare with a twist including genetic evolution and a fair amount of biblical references. One thing I found interesting is how bad guys (in both fiction and real life) tend to twist anything around in order to justify whatever sorts of bad behavior they can come up with. Though I have to say I'm far more intrigued by villains who do what they do because of some God-complex rather than just feeling like its fun to be bad. You can't have interesting heroes without interesting villains.

Also, Daphne totally called Hiro "Pikachu" last episode. I LOLed real hard. Pokemon references are always win, any time, any place.

Oh and I'm working until 8am. Been here since midnight. Oh em gee. Loads of fun fun fun.

".07%"

2009-04-21T18:46:00.001-04:00

is it bad that i start to see "real life" as getting in the way of me watching Heroes?

"how to stop an exploding man"

2009-04-21T00:25:00.002-04:00

picked up season 2 of heroes today...finally. three episodes in and i am hooked again. and oh my, do i have a crush on hayden panettiere.

I'd like to see our roles reversed, to watch you hang on every word

2009-04-18T00:30:00.002-04:00

I keep my drama well rehearsed
correctly stutter every slur

I believe in clean breaks

2009-04-17T00:13:00.000-04:00

I keep the old troubles away.

We're changing the future. By taking action, we've changed something

2009-04-07T06:20:00.003-04:00

I just watched the first two episode of Heroes (birthday present from the parents) and the ending of the second episode sent chills all throughout my body. Television doesn't get any better than this. Okay, back to not sleeping and watching more episodes!

In love with a girl just for tonight and that's all.

2009-04-01T06:31:00.008-04:00

Best song about sex: Bedroom Talk, The Starting Line.

I need to be sleeping. Singing, dancing and head shaking come first though. I've been listening to high-school era punk rock for three hours now....Mxpx, Sum41, NewFoundGlory, Matchbook Romance, The Used, etc. Time to break out the black eye liner. Uh huh.

Update: All this music listening and Youtube watching has led me to more stuff I'd forgotten about. Apparently I really liked the latest Sum41 album...like 1 year-ish ago.

"I don't want this moment to ever end, where everything's nothing without you."

You are worth more than the man I am.

2009-03-30T17:10:00.003-04:00

June is shaping up to be my most anticipated month of the year, what with new Star Wars fiction and most importantly, the new Taking Back Sunday album as well as seeing them in Atlanta. I leave you with what I consider the super exciting image of the day. Ta-da.

When you left me, I left Earth. Does that not show you I care?

2009-03-22T19:32:00.004-04:00

I just want to publicly acknowledge my Watchmen obsession. I've only seen the film twice, but I've been reading and re-reading the book over the past few weeks, making mental notes and sometimes even in written form. Yesterday, I spent some time in Border's looking through some of the Watchmen art books, drooling over hand-drawn costume designs as well as storyboards for both book and film versions. I think I'm just obsessed with this simultaneously despairing and beautiful world created by Alan Moore and brought to life by David Hayter and Zack Snyder.

My dad went with me opening night and he really didn't like it. I'm not incredibly surprised, as he also wasn't such a big fan of Dark Knight because it was "too depressing." So I can definitely understand why people wouldn't understand Rorschach or Dr. Manhattan's musings about the meaning of life in a superhero film, especially when they go in thinking they're about to see another Iron Man or Spider-Man film. Watchmen is three parts philosophy, one part superhero. If you want everything to be black & white and don't enjoy convoluted discussions on morality, Watchmen may not be your thing. But for me, I can't get it out of my head.

I think the spirit of the story, and why it resonates with me, is best summed up by Jon Osterman/Dr. Manhattan: "Without condemning or condoning, I understand."

"Man beats up kangaroo..."

2009-03-09T08:38:00.002-04:00

Possibly the greatest news story I've ever read.

Despondent, distracted; you're vicious and romantic

2009-03-05T00:27:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is going to be my last day at Austin East HS. From the beginning, I didn't think I wanted to be there and I had heard from numerous people that it was my "bad luck" to be placed there. On the contrary, I've found the experience to be nothing short of wonderful and am quite sad that it all went so quickly. I feel as though I've grown professionally over the time I've been there, but also very much so individually. I described it to a friend as something that required me to really step out of my comfort zone and do something that was for and about me and not just something I did because all my friends were doing it. Now, of course my classmates (and friends) were also going through the same experience (and a few at AE even), it was the fact that once I was alone in the classroom with my students I found myself completely separated from everyone I knew. And wow, that sensation was absolutely liberating. My education program has been rather irritating to me lately, which I'm pretty sure is no secret, but I definitely found that being in the classroom with students and actually teaching is a very rewarding experience. I guess I'm just thrilled to be doing it.

Moving forward, it is now March. Frankly, this is beyond exciting. March has the potential to be a fantastic month. Watchmen comes out this weekend and I don't even have the words for that one yet. Its going to be beyond fantastic. But really, more importantly and to a more obsessive degree, the new Taking Back Sunday should be out later this month. I'm just going to be honest and warn anyone that has any plans of me being in their life from here on out...that album is probably going to consume me and my thoughts for the foreseeable future. Okay? Good.

I'm thinking about a lot of things that are present in my title yet I'm not going to blog about them. Fair enough? Okay bye.

What a long, strange trip it's been

2009-02-26T08:07:00.002-05:00

Let's keep this up.
-Me.

i have a strange relationship with the number four.

2009-02-20T03:21:00.002-05:00

A few years back, driving home to Virginia, I stopped to use the restroom at a gas station and was greeted by one of those odd fortune-telling machines that really has no place being in a public restroom. On a whim, I decided to cough up the quarter required and eagerly awaited my "future." I honestly don't recall what any of it said except for the lucky numbers. Usually these things give you a couple of different numbers, I guess so that you have more reasons to feel lucky if you come across them. All I got was 4 4 4. Not long after, I seemed to just happen to glance at the clock in my car or my phone at exactly 4:44pm. This happened more than once, and still happens to this day. I've never really read into these sorts of things, but I notice 444 whenever it pops up anywhere, which tends to be receipts, order numbers, and anything else you could really think of. The number follows me. It's not always 444, because now I even pay attention to a single 4 or the double, 44. For whatever reason, 4 has become my number. I like it. I really like it.

Tonight, it made another brief, unexpected appearance. So, I won't be counting to five.

and we both take our revenge, but we still won't feel any better.

2009-02-19T13:35:00.004-05:00

Finishing up my lesson plan, listening to what is perhaps one of my most favorite records to just take in, +44. I don't think I ever realized how beautiful the song "Chapter XIII" is. Breathtaking.

threes.

2009-02-19T04:17:00.003-05:00

I am allowing myself precisely two and a half hours of sleep before waking up, working on my lesson plan and heading off to Austin East at oh-eight fifteen. Not bad at all.

Or maybe I won't be sleeping much as I replay conversations from the past four hours in my head endlessly. Who saw that coming?

listening: blink-182; "always"

two.

2009-02-18T03:34:00.002-05:00

I always feel that once I make it to Wednesday I have survived the week. Really, my Wednesday night class is so enjoyable and with such amazing people that its always a relief to be there. Then Thursday is actually pretty fun right now with the time I'm spending mentoring/observing at Austin East. Friday is my day off, which has been amazing. So yeah, it is now Wednesday (just barely) and I'm feeling reasonably chipper given the time. Okay bye.

day one.

2009-02-17T03:45:00.002-05:00

I'm tired and probably a little bit grumpy and incredibly ready to get home and crawl into bed. I am proud of myself for using the evening to clean up the apartment and make it feel a little bit more homey. Not a bad day.

Okay bye.

But in this black eyeliner, you'd like finer with each day in hiding

2009-02-14T16:18:00.003-05:00

something for valentine's day

Should they catch us and dispatch us
to those separate work camps
I'll dream about you, I will not doubt you
with the passing of time
Should they kill me, your love will fill me
as warm as the bullets
I'll know my purpose, this war was worth this
I won't let you down
-Say Anything

Yeah honey, I was proud of you

2009-02-10T12:00:00.009-05:00

Whoever I was then, I can't ever be again

I don't worry half as much as I did
When I was an experiment
Your resident tourniquet
Life's now about how you're left waiting, just waiting
I am the mantel and you're a painting
Come rest your frame on me
I was a tower and you were the airplane
We happened before
We knew what was happening

Man that was ages ago. (Taking Back Sunday)

[Her] name is Aramis

2009-02-06T15:41:00.006-05:00

As per my checklist from the last post, I took full advantage of my day off and went to Slumdog Millionaire. I'm not even going to try to fully explicate on what I'm feeling right now, but I can completely relate with the comment Rachael left on the last post about it being emotionally straining. There were several times throughout the film where I felt as though I'd just been punched in the gut, but I think the emotional payoff is more than rewarding. I'm pretty much in awe of the story, but even more so in the way it was told. I'd really love to get a copy of the script, just to see how certain things were written.

I'm not going to ruin the plot here, because honestly I hope if you haven't seen it you'll soon find the oppurtunity. If you care enough to read my blog (or Notes if you're reading this on Facebook), then you're probably the type of person this film will really speak to. The relationship between Jamal and Latika is agonizing, yet so profoundly wonderful. I think its that part of the movie that really gripped me (and probably most people), but even more so as I relate it to my own recent and amazing/heartbreaking experiences (for those in the know). I saw the beauty of their own world, removed from everyone else; something that I fully relate to. And that is not even going into the film's discussion of what it means to be family and specifically brothers. Jamal's brother, Salim really drives the story, much in the way Darth Vader was really the main character in the Star Wars movies, as proven by the entire prequel trilogy focusing on Anakin Skywalker, who I happen to completely understand, especially his fall. You rooted for Luke, but everything hinged on what Vader was doing. Salim is complicated; terrible and wonderful at once. Please see this film. Then get coffee with me and talk it over. :)

Also, I've been listening to (and thinking a lot about) Two Tongues and trying to figure out what I wanted to say about it. I've decided on casting my unofficial vote for "Crawl" as the best album opener ever, at least in the way it sets the stage for everything that follows. Too many times, records are a disjointed mess of songs that have no coherence, just radio hits. Two Tongues mostly abandons the "sing about the girl" concept present in most emo-punk-rock-whatever and focuses instead on a passionate friendship between two males (Max Bemis and Chris Conley) who idolize each other's music. The female drama is in there, but only as a cue for the guys to break down and relate to each other. "Crawl" begins with the very simple, but probably my favorite opening lyrics ever: "Wait, don't go with him." I'm reminded of the older Taking Back Sunday records in the dueling vocals of Max and Chris throughout the album. Just knowing the very public battle Max Bemis has had with bipolar disorder lends the often distraught lyrics a real sense of credibility.

A particular moment I want to share from the record is the back and forth sort of singing conversation between Max and Chris in "If I Could Make You Do Things." The words are simple, but I don't know, it just really means something to me. I love this record.

Max: Put down that needle now
Chris: I wanna live life underground
Max: I'm here to pull you out, please don't turn away
Chris: I don't have much to say
Max: Say it anyway

Okay, bye.

Chia-like, I shall grow

2009-02-05T07:52:00.002-05:00

I'm wrapped up in the orange and white blanket my grandmother knitted me as a graduation present last spring because it is positively freezing in my apartment. The cold air does not leak, but rather floods in through my very old, poorly insulated windows. Thank you for a very cold Knoxville morning. In less than two hours, I will begin my fifteen-hour observation project at Austin-East HS. I'm definitely excited about getting in there and getting in the mindset in which I'll need to be for next fall's internship, but I'd be lying if I said there wasn't some nervousness. I am, however, very excited about wearing "teacher's clothes" today. I hate being overdressed for my classes, but I feel better when I know I look good. Silly yeah. About a week ago, I had one of those 'oh sh-t' moments as I realized that I'd have to be at school Monday through Friday at 7:30am for a potentially very long time. I told my dad, to which he replied "Well yeah..." . I'm a little slow sometimes.

I'm still determined and quite honestly more interested in developing my writing and turning it into some sort of sell-able or otherwise form of barter, but right now I'm feeling pretty content in having the ability (and certification) to teach. Of course, there is nothing saying that I can't or won't manage to do both. Speaking of writing, I've managed to really refine an idea I've had for a sort of historical zombie novel that would trace some of the principals and ideas in the birth of our nation, but in a post-apocalyptic, zombie brain-eating way. In reading M.T Anderson's Feed as well as some of the other amazing novels we've been reading in my YA class, I've become increasingly interested in the idea of writing for adolescents. So there's that and also continuing to play with the script I turned in as my final project for Larsen's screenwriting class.

Another thing I've been thinking over is this need for me to get out more and be a little more active in developing new friendships, rather than just relying on the old ones all the time. I have a very bad tendency to insulate myself and shy away from new experiences, which is something I really want to get away from. Many times I've let World of Warcraft interfere with cultivating real-life friendships as well, so I consciously decided to quit the raiding guild I'd joined that was occupying a lot of my time during the week. Something I really need to work on is a healthier balance of the things I invest myself in. I should make a check list.

Which brings me to "things to do." I promise myself to finish Snow Crash this week and to get out and see "Slumdog Millionaire" and "Revolutionary Road." If you're interested in seeing those, I would love the company. Lastly, please go see the 2009 Vagina Monologues at the Clarence Brown Theater next week during one of the show dates (8th, 9th and 10th at 8pm). My very amazing and talented friend Heather directed this year's show, which not only serves as an eye-opening experience of the many issues faced by women worldwide, but helps to stop violence against women in donating proceeds to Safe Haven women's shelter. Please spend the $5 and two hours of your evening to support this fantastic event.

Farewell.

It's a metaphor, fool

2009-02-04T04:33:00.004-05:00

There's a man assigned to me and he checks on my stability
We discuss you every week then I rinse and rinse repeat
He charges by the tear, until I weep no more
Strictly out of fear that I can't afford your love

Rachael sort of inspired this blog post. As did months of endless frustrations and let downs. Thanks to Max Bemis of Say Anything for always making sense.

Two Tongues debut album...

2009-02-03T01:32:00.001-05:00

Is out one hour ago and I've got it downloaded from iTunes just waiting for me to get off work and start listening to it. Excitement level is high.

Half of the time...

2009-02-01T02:47:00.001-05:00

I don't make much sense. Especially in text messages. Someone should take my cell phone away from me.

So you're fixed, but what did you have to break to get there?

2009-01-31T03:09:00.000-05:00

I can't help but feel I'm getting the worst end of this.

"through being cool meets ...is a real boy"

2009-01-29T13:19:00.000-05:00

Two Tongues. Max Bemis + Chris Conley. Sometime during the last summer, Max Bemis became my favorite writer/performer of really...ever. He writes pretty much exactly the way my brain works, which is something, to say the least. So wow, I'm really enjoying these new songs. Still hoping that somehow Say Anything is one of the bands that plays here in the spring. *Crosses fingers*

Listening to:
Two Tongues
Crawl
If I Could Make You Do Things
Dead Lizard

I'm ready to hear you say who I am is quite enough

2009-01-25T20:46:00.000-05:00

Words, words. I type, delete, type, delete; over and over and over. If words are to be believed, they have to remain grammatically and syntactically in place. I talk with the insert key pressed down.

when oh when will this sinking feeling feel like "man that was ages ago."

2009-01-20T03:49:00.000-05:00

i honestly cannot sleep right now due to being completely overwhelmed by the new taking back sunday songs that are currently floating around the internet. i kind of knew they were out there but hadn't taken the time to look them up, but oh my goodness. this is emotional overload. as strange or silly as it may seem, its hard for me to even write about this right now just because i don't know that i even have the words right now, but i wanted to write to process through it nonetheless. i've listed tbs among my favorite bands since high school, which is now nearly six years away from me, but nothing since "tell all your friends" (2002) has really resonated with me the way that particular album did. its the one i'll listen to again and again on repeat and find myself just lost in the rawness of it. the follow-up albums were just too slick and polished for my tastes. too rock-radio friendly. but this. is something new. perhaps appropriately titled "new again," i'm still waiting until march for the official release of the album, but already i can tell i'm going to be in love all over again. there is so much raw passion and energy in these new songs. the glossy-pop friendly hooks are gone and all the grit and edginess is back. and my dear goodness, the lyrics. wow. just wow. i love all three of the songs i've found, but just this one in particular, "everything must go," has me floored. i feel that i always come upon the music i need to hear just when i need it the most which may just come down to me really searching out for it at particular times but right now i feel like i've finally found something i've been trying to find for months. my heart feels at home.

we found a house with a big yard
and moved all of my things
and most of your things, in
and honey i was proud of it
honey i was proud of you

some boxes, that
hand-me-down couch, and that chair
that used to be at your church
we borrowed them from there
a cabinet record player with nothing but james taylor
two carpets from the corner store
cover the hardwood floor
i'd be a fool to have asked for more

you quote the Good Book
when its convenient
but you don't have the sense
no you don't have the sense
to talk this through to dawn
instead you're sloshing through the mud

the love you had was good enough
the path that we were stuck between
but so much stuff must go tonight

you quote the Good Book
when its convenient
but you don't have the sense
no you don't have the sense

SPEAK

2009-01-12T02:35:00.000-05:00

For my Young Adult Lit (TPTE 595) class, I have been reading Laurie Halse Anderson's Speak, of which I knew nothing before I started to read it. First off, I have to say that the novel is phenomenal and I'm nothing short of amazed at how good Anderson's ear for teenage-speak is. Much of the time I was reading Twilight, I was constantly thinking how stupid some of the dialogue was (but don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy those books). It just never sounded like real teenagers to me. Instead, Stephanie Meyer's characters were an exaggeration of typical teenager talk. The character's in Speak are vibrant, moody and more realistic than any other replication of adolescence I've ever come across. Moving past that, Anderson captures the essence of growing up and the often very difficult process that it is. At times I found myself laughing at the absurdity of it all before wincing as the protagonist Melinda revealed her story, which is heartbreakingly similar to stories I've heard from too many female friends. Although it is put into the YA box, I cannot recommend Speak enough. This novel reminds me exactly why I want to teach High School, and especially Literature. There's so much going on outside the classroom for these young people and sometimes it can be easy for older people to forget what adolescence was like. Through literature, I'm so incredibly excited to interact with my students and make connections that will help them interpret all the massive information coming into their heads and use it to ultimately better their lives. Sure, I'm still a very young teacher and incredibly idealistic, but I can't wait to be a part of my student's lives.

I'm a mascot for what you've become, I love the mayhem more than the love.

2009-01-08T03:15:00.000-05:00

If I'm wrong, I'm sorry. But I think I'm right this time.

last year's wishes are this year's apologies

2009-01-01T15:13:00.000-05:00

As cliche as it sounds, I've been going over the idea of New Year's Resolutions, especially the half-hearted ones of the past. I think what strikes me most about them is this idea that the new year is a new start with new beginnings and all sorts of newness. Waking up today, I see that none of my problems or circumstances have changed at all. Today is exactly the same as yesterday, this year the same as last year. At least, thats the way it looks from a physical perspective. Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was some sort of reset button so that when the clock chimed midnight for 2009 all the mistakes and troubles of the last year were just erased? It's easy to think that things would be so much better that way, but you know, really, that wouldn't be any help at all. As much as I want to erase certain things and individuals from my past, I would be erasing the lessons learned at the same time. At least this way, I know what mistakes to avoid this time around, which I suppose is the point of New Year's Resolutions and newness in general. Last night, about an hour after the new year was born, I allowed myself to feel more frustration than I've been letting myself feel towards someone who used to be one of my best friends. I think that was the breaking point for this idea that nothing really changes as the year passes, except for our attitudes and actions. My feelings (good and bad) hadn't and won't change that easily, and that person's treating me like I don't exist anymore won't just automatically change either. People have to choose to change. We've got to be better than the petty arguments and grudges we allow to change us. I want to be better and to continually learn to be a better friend and I hope all my wonderful friends will hold me accountable for that. Thats what I want from newness.

Crayons can melt on us for all I care

2008-12-30T14:40:00.000-05:00

The most difficult thing for me to learn in a very long time has been patience. I need to do things, to be active. I've never been content to just sit back and let things happen, but in my need to be in control of things I often overcompensate and make a bigger mess than likely would have happened on its own. But, I'm learning. Every day I get a little bit better at not doing things and instead letting them unfold however they will. Things will turn out the right way, in time, if I just wait.

I don't love you.

2008-11-12T10:14:00.001-05:00

This video is beautiful.

Vote 4 Arthas. KEK.

2008-11-12T09:38:00.000-05:00

This just made my day. Bathroom stall literature is almost always a fascinating read, but what I saw today just outshone everything previously encountered. Amidst all the anti-Palin rhetoric was scrawled "Wrath of the Lich King > Everything else." The fact that I saw it today, of all days, just adds to the amazing-ness. The excitement builds.

Edit: Humanities, Second Floor Men's Bathroom.

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

2008-10-14T23:55:00.000-04:00

Today, well tonight, after class, I went straight to the bookstore to pick up Gregory Maguire's third book in The Wicked Years (Wicked, Son of a Witch); A Lion Among Men. I've only read about thirty pages so far, but it has been an amazing thirty pages. His books motivate me to tell stories, but at the same time make writing feel so very out of my league. Maguire's ability to take a children's story and create a massive world teeming with political turmoil is just mind-boggling. Unless George R.R. Martin's A Dance of Dragons magically releases this year, this will be the best book I will read all year.

I've known for some time that I'd be getting a MacBook at the end of the semester, but today it got even better. Apple introduced the brand new MacBook today and it is completely amazing. Better than the current model in every way, it's also aesthetically improved. The darn thing is gorgeous. Besides the fact that it will give me access to better programs to use as teaching tools, I can't wait to play WoW on a system that can actually handle the game.

Speaking of WoW, today is also the big pre-WotLK patch, which means massive failure. The servers have been up and down all day, so I have been unable to try out all the cool new features. As excited as I am about going full Protection (and still being able to do damage!), I'm mostly wanting to be able to log in and check out the Barbershop feature. Gnome with a Mohawk? That's a resounding yes. Alas, it'll have to wait until tomorrow. BRC.

I'm an addict for dramatics, I confuse the two for love

2008-10-06T07:40:00.000-04:00

Last year, today was better.

Try to remember, forget.

2008-10-01T09:00:00.000-04:00

I want to be Max Bemis.

The finest line divides a night well spent from a waste of time.

2008-09-29T11:00:00.001-04:00

So I have a ton ton ton of stuff I need to today because I blew it all off over the weekend. If I don't write it down where I can easily find it later, I'll probably forget something. My memory tends to not be very great.

Classroom Management Plan Paper (6-8 pages)
Journal Reflections (for this week and last week)
Take the Ed Psych online exam
Revise our lesson plan draft

Okay so that's only four things, but some of them are going to take a long time. Honestly, I planned to do so much work yesterday but ended up just listening to music and dancing around my apartment (and scaring the heck out of luna) instead. I didn't even play WoW, which I'm starting to get bored with anyway. I feel like I need a lot of attention and get bored with things really easily. Ugh.

This is why most other video games are boring.

2008-09-29T08:40:00.000-04:00

You're pretty average yourself.

2008-09-28T21:44:00.000-04:00

I feel like I need a break from myself.

Once you've tasted it, that's all you want to drink.

2008-09-27T09:21:00.000-04:00

I don't feel that I'm very materialistic usually, but oh boy are there times when my desire for stuff spikes into the stratosphere. I just wish it was a little more spread out, because this fall there are so many things I want and nowhere near enough funds to pay for them all. Usually when the holidays roll around my folks ask what I'd like and I have absolutely no idea. This time around...I think I'm all set. But this blog isn't really just about strategies for acquiring all the phat lewts I want; more just about all the cool little things that are going to excite me this fall.

Son of a Witch: Volume 2. A big thank you to Heather for telling me about this one. Wicked and Son of a Witch are two of my favorite novels, so this one is a no-brainer. Comes out Tuesday, which means another week of not doing my readings for class. Awesome.
Fallout 3. It's been a long time since I've really been interested in a console game and If I had a Wii I probably would have gotten into Mario Kart all summer, but alas, I went the PS3 route. Now, I'm glad for it. Fallout 3 looks amazing. Post-apocalyptic world. Completely choose your own morality. I mean really, you can do whatever you want to achieve your goals.
Wrath of the Lich King. I don't even know where to start with this one. Arthas, the Lich King. Tons and tons of material for lore nerds. Northrend. November 13th. Midnight release.
Quantum of Solace. The day after WoW's upcoming expansion drops, the new Bond flick hits theaters. I know some of you disagree, but Casino Royale is my favorite Bond movie ever. I keep hearing that it just ripped off the Bourne films and I don't really know about that, but I do know that I found Jason Bourne to be a pretty bland character. One of my favorite scenes from Casino was the shower scene where James just sits with Vesper and comforts her as she falls apart. This is a new, deeper and more emotional Bond. "I have no armour left. You've stripped it from me. Whatever is left of me - whatever is left of me - whatever I am - I'm yours." I'm sorry, but Craig > Connery, Moore and Brosnan. I try not to think about Dalton and Lazenby.
JCrew. Seriously. I'm into clothes on and off, but right now the interest is definitely on and I love JCrew. I really, insanely like sweaters, hoodies and jackets. Oh and its quickly becoming the time of year for them. Honestly, I want this entire look. Gah I want new clothes.

I'm sorry sweetheart, I can't be the man I led you to believe that I would be.

2008-09-22T08:28:00.000-04:00

Jessica and I have just about finished our first lesson plan (which is really just a mock-up of a lesson plan), but its still an exciting "first" and if I may be so bold, a pretty cool assignment. Basically, we had to come up with a lesson that sends students to the web for research in order to meet certain National Educational Technology Standards (NETS). So, we've tasked our imaginary students with creating an "art gallery" by finding art samples online that they feel relate to a number of quotes from The Great Gatsby in order to create visual connections with the themes of the novel. Rather than us telling the students what to think, it allows them to create their own meanings in a way that is personally significant. As I was looking for decent quotes to use, I found something that is personally significant to me:

"He wanted to recover something, some idea of himself perhaps, that had gone into loving Daisy. His life had been confused and disordered since then, but if he could once return to a certain starting place and go over it all slowly, he could find out what that thing was"

I feel like I've mostly been in the same sort of place for a long while now; like I've given away something that can't be returned or recovered and I'm still trying to gauge the significance of what's been lost. Hopefully the fact that Jay Gatsby is shot to death by the novel's end doesn't have any implications for me, although the literary nerd in me finds it tragically appropriate. This weekend pretty much confirmed that there are no easy answers and maybe no answers at all. The problem is, I'm not content with "I don't know."

no more runnin', i aim to misbehave.

2008-09-13T21:52:00.000-04:00

So Mal and Inara love each other, but because of a number of awkward circumstances surrounding the situation treat each other as though they cannot stand one another and bicker all the time. I've never seen that happen before. Yes, I'm blogging about Firefly again. Only four episodes left...then I need to get the movie, Serenity. Lord, I love this show.

everybody dies alone.

2008-09-13T19:32:00.000-04:00

GAH! This episode (Firefly - Out of Gas) is so good. Seriously. It's things like this that inspire me to tell stories. I'm ecstatic.

there's no place i can be, since i found serenity

2008-09-13T15:53:00.000-04:00

Firefly is not only the best sci-fi I've ever seen, but the best show period. Simply put, Firefly is a science-fiction western. The mix is odd, but endearing. Please, watch it.

Spread love like violence.

2008-09-12T01:31:00.000-04:00

I oscillate. I know that. And it often makes little sense to anyone but me, which is fine. Right now I'm thinking about how much I love Angels & Airwaves, but really only came to this realization after going back and listening to all the old Blink-182 albums for a few days. It's amazing to see such progression both musically (of which I understand little) and lyrically (with which I feel a greater connection). I love these lines, "I can hear you breathe / I'm feeling the shake / and sound of my heartbeat." I love simple, honest, emotive lyrics.

I'm feeling very positive, hopeful and okay right now.

I thought we could wait for the snow to wash over Georgia and kill the hurt.

2008-09-11T23:32:00.000-04:00

I don't know why I even try to make anyone happy. I only get feedback when I'm disappointing. Fine. I get it. I'm not what you want me to be. Just give up on me already.

Filled with fire, I'm drinking gasoline to make it go faster.

2008-09-08T08:14:00.000-04:00

Friday. Comic books. Little Caesars. The mall (oh so high school). Miniatures. Best Buy. Eric's apartment is amazing. A slightly still hazy Friday night, although I think Eric and I entered into some sort of business contract together. After that is blurry, all I know is that it cost me $40. Stuart MIA. Saturday. Sleeping. Headache. Loaning clothes and thus being an integral part of a successful job interview. McKays. Blink-182 cds. $20 Final Fantasy Tactics...almost. Laura in from Chattanooga. Very yum dinner. I love when people cook for me. Make note to return favor. Political musings. Narrowly avoided Sassy Ann's. Stuart still MIA. Sunday. The Complete Works of Shakespeare (Abridged). Funniest, liveliest show I've seen yet at the CBT. I love the lab theater. Erin played Stars, "The First Five Times." I bristled with excitement. Three Epics. Fifteen Badges. Learned to tank Heroics. First ZA. Oh yah, and I got internet. In my apartment. Yes. All things considered, a relatively successful weekend. The first weekend I haven't wanted to end in a long time. I still miss you.

Yeah we're stubborn and melodramatic

2008-09-05T09:12:00.001-04:00

It was pointed out to me that I'm not very good at "being still." I know, I'm not. I struggle with just letting things happen because I always have this nagging feeling that if I don't try to keep things going they'll just fall apart. I don't know. I know I'm being vague, sorry.

I want life in every word to the extent that its absurd

2008-09-03T09:17:00.000-04:00

I'm somewhat obsessed with dying. I don't mean afraid of dying. What I think concerns me the most is the mess I'll leave behind. I think of all the little things I've left undone and I don't mean finishing up school or stories even. Sure I worry slightly about the state of my physical affairs and what sort of impression or responsibilities I'll be leaving for others, although I tend to think that my friends and family will not be too concerned with my dirty dishes or messy apartment. I worry about Luna. She's probably the only one that actually needs me and though I know someone would take care of her very well, I still think she'd be the one to notice me being gone the most.

Mostly I worry about the relationships where I've said or done too little, despite always wanting or intending to do more. I'm afraid of being gone and unable to reassure my friends and family that I always noticed the little things they did for me and that I was always thankful for them being in my life. I don't mean to go down this path with the intention of letting my life feel like a shadow is closing in on it, but rather as a means of encouragement; to encourage myself to be more proactive in all of my relationships and life in general. I don't want anyone to need to question how I'm feeling or whether or not I'll be there for them tomorrow, next week or next year.

Lately some of the more important relationships have been a struggle to maintain. I'm weary from the emotional strain and at times wonder whether I have anything left to give. Part of me feels broken. And yet, when I feel that my heart is no longer salvageable is when there's that little breath of air, a respite. As time goes by, I grow more attached to The Dark Knight's Harvey Dent (and will probably find a way to include TDK in my posts for a long while) and his philosophy towards life. "I make my own luck," he says. I believe in that. My supply of determination and constancy is endless because I choose it to be. In a way, that's reassuring. Not that there aren't other reassurances. Faint, but still tangible. I can believe in that.

Hey unloving, I will love you.

2008-08-09T18:46:00.000-04:00

I feel horribly selfish right now. And not just the simple "lets eat where I want to eat and go see what movie I want to see" selfish but a much larger scale, more vile selfish. I'm being selfish in relationships that mean more than anything to me. And as I sit here, I can't for the life of me figure out just how I let that happen. I've made it my mission, and even more than that, one of my main sources of joy and happiness to be loving, considerate and selfless, yet I find myself doing the exact opposite and now that I see it, I loathe every bit of it. I relentlessly pour myself into the people I love so they'll know just how special they are, but I grow impatient and frustrated waiting for reciprocation. I'm so ashamed by the way I let myself feel, and even more by the way I reflect those feelings.

It's situations like this where I'm reminded how horribly broken we are as a people and just how undeserving I am of Christ's love. I've done so little to return the love He's shown me, yet I allow myself to grow frustrated with others, especially when the love I show is so insignificant in comparison? Perhaps I needed that. Maybe I need to be humbled and reminded that I'm just as weak and needy as anyone else.

Or perhaps this stumbling block also serves as a means to rededicate myself to loving others better and more unselfishly. I don't need constant attention in order to give love to others. I really don't even need them to notice or thank me for it. Loving is an act of giving, not receiving. If I let myself turn it around, I'm perverting the meaning and beauty of it. Gah. I'm sorry for being so needy all the time.

A myriad of things.

2008-08-04T10:21:00.000-04:00

I need to collect my thoughts, but I feel that I have a copious amount of words to say regarding super heroes and mama mia. more soon.

I'm a dog chasing cars. I don't have plans. I just do things. I'm not a schemer.

2008-07-22T09:54:00.000-04:00

2008-07-14T21:43:00.000-04:00

Today I really felt the urge to buy something. It was payday and I don't very often haphazardly shop for myself (something about buyer's guilt, which actually does allow me to shop quite contentedly for others), but today I really just wanted to get something new and fun. So anyway, I spent about an hour at Borders and ended up with a Batman graphic novel that I'd heard good things about; Hush. I picked up both volumes and read the first already. It was soooo good. I'm saving the second for work Tuesday morning....I hate Tuesdays so hopefully this will help improve it! Hah!

Oh, and Final Fantasy XIII was announced for the XBOX 360 today at E3. Yep, I'm pretty sure the sky is falling.

"It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, it's never ever the thing you'd expect"

2008-07-13T17:41:00.000-04:00

Ugh, life. Sometimes I get myself so twisted up with what I WANT to do and what I tell myself I SHOULD do to the point where I know one of them is a lie, but I can't figure out which anymore. All I know is that today was not what I expected it to be. And I loved it. Nothing makes sense and I don't even care anymore. I want to be turned upside down over and over until I can't breathe anymore and never see whats coming next. She does that to me and sometimes I just want to scream at how impossible everything seems but I know that I don't ever want to be without the craziness of it all and maybe I even thrive on it. Perhaps.

In other news, I got to 70 with Pedwing yesterday and started gearing him up for Karazhan, which is fun. Now to level up the Rogue, Wingped.

2008-07-12T17:25:00.000-04:00

I made my second Blu-Ray purchase last night and it was dandy. Bridging the gap between Batman Begins and The Dark Knight is the animated feature Batman: Gotham Knight. It's six interlocking short films, each by a different director and art team. The result is an amazing, fantastic Bat-experience. Ah. I can't wait until Thursday night.

Uh, what?

2008-07-10T19:51:00.000-04:00

Since I found myself in a Bat-mood lately (wonder why?), I decided that I would pick up some Batman comics during my weekly run to the comic book shop. I'd been thinking of checking out the brand new Batman event, Batman: RIP, since I'd heard about it so this seemed like a great time to jump on board. As of this week, there are only four issues available, so I grabbed all of them.

They were amazing, up to a point. The tone for the series is intensely dark, just as I'd hoped, but somewhere in issue three things took a turn for the indescribable. For some kooky reason, Grant Morrison feels the need to dig up a very silly Silver Age story. The story in question? Take a gander...

Yah. The Batman of Zur-En-Arrh has returned in all his glory. I still don't know what to say.

Mrglemrgle.

2008-07-07T22:10:00.000-04:00

I really feel like I need one of these. Uh huh.

"From the hugely popular World of Warcraft PC game universe comes this fantastic talking Murloc Plush."

WTB! PST! :D

I don't need a cloak to become invisible

2008-07-06T22:59:00.001-04:00

It is an incredibly frustrating feeling to be well...frustrated...and not know entirely why. I hate it. I half expected this summer to be the best ever (ya know...graduating, just working without taking classes, hanging out with friends, playing video games), but it just hasn't been what I expected. Maybe thats my fault. No, I'm sure its my fault. For the past year I've had certain expectations of how I wanted or at least hoped parts of my life would go and they just haven't gone that way at all.

Now, in a struggle to adapt to the disappointment, I'm mostly just floundering and not progressing. I'm beginning to feel emotionally empty and feel like I've been fighting to stay on top of things for so long now that I forget what it feels like to just feel comfortable. It's no good, and I'm no good at it. Yet, my biggest failure here is that I'm not letting God help me deal with it. It's so strange, to put so much of your life into God's hands and love the awesomeness of it, but still keep a small part of it just to yourself and think you can deal with it on your own. I've been doing that, just trying to be the best I can be and just let my love try to fix existing problems, but my own love isn't enough to do that. I can't do these things on my own and I'm frustrated with myself for forgetting about God and trying to for so long. But in a way, I'm thankful for God using something that hurts me to remind me that He wants to heal those wounds.

So I guess I'm in a strange place. I'm not looking to make any hugely practical changes, but instead let God heal my heart instead of trying to keep up with doing it all on my own. I can't heal the wounds as fast as Satan causes them...but God can. And will. And does. And is. Also, I need to keep working on loving others better, and not just the ones that I want to love, but the ones that are hard to love for whatever reason. Right now, there are definitely a few of those...but I can't let life blind me to the fact that Christ loves them. So I should too. And will. And do. Gah. I just want to love others and be happy. So yes, I'll do it.

I just want my coffee

2008-07-03T08:42:00.000-04:00

I was half an hour late to work this morning. Not my favorite way to start the day.

On a more positive note...I'm going to get my hazelnut latte in just a bit. Yum!

Update: The printer network is down today...on the day of final exams. Huh. Maybe the latte will have to wait...

All the possibility and promise just weighs on me so heavily

2008-07-03T08:09:00.002-04:00

I don't feel like I fit in with the mindset of most of my friends. And I guess by most of my friends, I really mean my guy friends. For example, most of my guy friends really just want to have fun, party, play videogames and do their own thing. I know I used to be that way, especially back in my WoW addict days, but it just seems so unappealing now.

Instead, I find myself more interested in acting almost like a married person. Intense, I know. For example, today I went out with one of my best female friends to look for a dress for a wedding she's going to and on top of that hitting up JOANNE'S FABRICS, of all places, for some sewing supplies. I had a legitimately awesome time and that just makes me realize how far out of sync I am with the other people I spend my time with.

Don't get me wrong, I still love my WoW (and my currently lvl 65 warrior...woot!) and doing "guy" things from time to time, but more than ever I realize that I've kind of moved on from those things being a priority and am ready for something a little more substantial. I remember talking about possibly getting married just two years ago to the person I was dating at the time and it honestly scared the heck out of me. In fact, I'm sure some of the more selfish and mean decisions I made during that time were just me going into survival mode and trying to escape a relationship that demanded more of me. Now I'm just dying for whatever "more" is.