Hey unloving, I will love you.

I feel horribly selfish right now. And not just the simple "lets eat where I want to eat and go see what movie I want to see" selfish but a much larger scale, more vile selfish. I'm being selfish in relationships that mean more than anything to me. And as I sit here, I can't for the life of me figure out just how I let that happen. I've made it my mission, and even more than that, one of my main sources of joy and happiness to be loving, considerate and selfless, yet I find myself doing the exact opposite and now that I see it, I loathe every bit of it. I relentlessly pour myself into the people I love so they'll know just how special they are, but I grow impatient and frustrated waiting for reciprocation. I'm so ashamed by the way I let myself feel, and even more by the way I reflect those feelings.

It's situations like this where I'm reminded how horribly broken we are as a people and just how undeserving I am of Christ's love. I've done so little to return the love He's shown me, yet I allow myself to grow frustrated with others, especially when the love I show is so insignificant in comparison? Perhaps I needed that. Maybe I need to be humbled and reminded that I'm just as weak and needy as anyone else.

Or perhaps this stumbling block also serves as a means to rededicate myself to loving others better and more unselfishly. I don't need constant attention in order to give love to others. I really don't even need them to notice or thank me for it. Loving is an act of giving, not receiving. If I let myself turn it around, I'm perverting the meaning and beauty of it. Gah. I'm sorry for being so needy all the time.

A myriad of things.

I need to collect my thoughts, but I feel that I have a copious amount of words to say regarding super heroes and mama mia. more soon.