Crayons can melt on us for all I care

The most difficult thing for me to learn in a very long time has been patience. I need to do things, to be active. I've never been content to just sit back and let things happen, but in my need to be in control of things I often overcompensate and make a bigger mess than likely would have happened on its own. But, I'm learning. Every day I get a little bit better at not doing things and instead letting them unfold however they will. Things will turn out the right way, in time, if I just wait.

I don't love you.

This video is beautiful.

Vote 4 Arthas. KEK.

This just made my day. Bathroom stall literature is almost always a fascinating read, but what I saw today just outshone everything previously encountered. Amidst all the anti-Palin rhetoric was scrawled "Wrath of the Lich King > Everything else." The fact that I saw it today, of all days, just adds to the amazing-ness. The excitement builds.

Edit: Humanities, Second Floor Men's Bathroom.

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

Today, well tonight, after class, I went straight to the bookstore to pick up Gregory Maguire's third book in The Wicked Years (Wicked, Son of a Witch); A Lion Among Men. I've only read about thirty pages so far, but it has been an amazing thirty pages. His books motivate me to tell stories, but at the same time make writing feel so very out of my league. Maguire's ability to take a children's story and create a massive world teeming with political turmoil is just mind-boggling. Unless George R.R. Martin's A Dance of Dragons magically releases this year, this will be the best book I will read all year.

I've known for some time that I'd be getting a MacBook at the end of the semester, but today it got even better. Apple introduced the brand new MacBook today and it is completely amazing. Better than the current model in every way, it's also aesthetically improved. The darn thing is gorgeous. Besides the fact that it will give me access to better programs to use as teaching tools, I can't wait to play WoW on a system that can actually handle the game.

Speaking of WoW, today is also the big pre-WotLK patch, which means massive failure. The servers have been up and down all day, so I have been unable to try out all the cool new features. As excited as I am about going full Protection (and still being able to do damage!), I'm mostly wanting to be able to log in and check out the Barbershop feature. Gnome with a Mohawk? That's a resounding yes. Alas, it'll have to wait until tomorrow. BRC.

I'm an addict for dramatics, I confuse the two for love

Last year, today was better.

Try to remember, forget.

I want to be Max Bemis.

The finest line divides a night well spent from a waste of time.

So I have a ton ton ton of stuff I need to today because I blew it all off over the weekend. If I don't write it down where I can easily find it later, I'll probably forget something. My memory tends to not be very great.

• Classroom Management Plan Paper (6-8 pages)
• Journal Reflections (for this week and last week)
• Take the Ed Psych online exam
• Revise our lesson plan draft

Okay so that's only four things, but some of them are going to take a long time. Honestly, I planned to do so much work yesterday but ended up just listening to music and dancing around my apartment (and scaring the heck out of luna) instead. I didn't even play WoW, which I'm starting to get bored with anyway. I feel like I need a lot of attention and get bored with things really easily. Ugh.

This is why most other video games are boring.

You're pretty average yourself.

I feel like I need a break from myself.

Once you've tasted it, that's all you want to drink.

I don't feel that I'm very materialistic usually, but oh boy are there times when my desire for stuff spikes into the stratosphere. I just wish it was a little more spread out, because this fall there are so many things I want and nowhere near enough funds to pay for them all. Usually when the holidays roll around my folks ask what I'd like and I have absolutely no idea. This time around...I think I'm all set. But this blog isn't really just about strategies for acquiring all the phat lewts I want; more just about all the cool little things that are going to excite me this fall.

• Son of a Witch: Volume 2. A big thank you to Heather for telling me about this one. Wicked and Son of a Witch are two of my favorite novels, so this one is a no-brainer. Comes out Tuesday, which means another week of not doing my readings for class. Awesome.
  
• Fallout 3. It's been a long time since I've really been interested in a console game and If I had a Wii I probably would have gotten into Mario Kart all summer, but alas, I went the PS3 route. Now, I'm glad for it. Fallout 3 looks amazing. Post-apocalyptic world. Completely choose your own morality. I mean really, you can do whatever you want to achieve your goals.
• Wrath of the Lich King. I don't even know where to start with this one. Arthas, the Lich King. Tons and tons of material for lore nerds. Northrend. November 13th. Midnight release.
  
• Quantum of Solace. The day after WoW's upcoming expansion drops, the new Bond flick hits theaters. I know some of you disagree, but Casino Royale is my favorite Bond movie ever. I keep hearing that it just ripped off the Bourne films and I don't really know about that, but I do know that I found Jason Bourne to be a pretty bland character. One of my favorite scenes from Casino was the shower scene where James just sits with Vesper and comforts her as she falls apart. This is a new, deeper and more emotional Bond. "I have no armour left. You've stripped it from me. Whatever is left of me - whatever is left of me - whatever I am - I'm yours." I'm sorry, but Craig > Connery, Moore and Brosnan. I try not to think about Dalton and Lazenby.
• JCrew. Seriously. I'm into clothes on and off, but right now the interest is definitely on and I love JCrew. I really, insanely like sweaters, hoodies and jackets. Oh and its quickly becoming the time of year for them. Honestly, I want this entire look. Gah I want new clothes.
  
  
  

I'm sorry sweetheart, I can't be the man I led you to believe that I would be.

Jessica and I have just about finished our first lesson plan (which is really just a mock-up of a lesson plan), but its still an exciting "first" and if I may be so bold, a pretty cool assignment. Basically, we had to come up with a lesson that sends students to the web for research in order to meet certain National Educational Technology Standards (NETS). So, we've tasked our imaginary students with creating an "art gallery" by finding art samples online that they feel relate to a number of quotes from The Great Gatsby in order to create visual connections with the themes of the novel. Rather than us telling the students what to think, it allows them to create their own meanings in a way that is personally significant. As I was looking for decent quotes to use, I found something that is personally significant to me:

"He wanted to recover something, some idea of himself perhaps, that had gone into loving Daisy. His life had been confused and disordered since then, but if he could once return to a certain starting place and go over it all slowly, he could find out what that thing was"

I feel like I've mostly been in the same sort of place for a long while now; like I've given away something that can't be returned or recovered and I'm still trying to gauge the significance of what's been lost. Hopefully the fact that Jay Gatsby is shot to death by the novel's end doesn't have any implications for me, although the literary nerd in me finds it tragically appropriate. This weekend pretty much confirmed that there are no easy answers and maybe no answers at all. The problem is, I'm not content with "I don't know."

no more runnin', i aim to misbehave.

So Mal and Inara love each other, but because of a number of awkward circumstances surrounding the situation treat each other as though they cannot stand one another and bicker all the time. I've never seen that happen before. Yes, I'm blogging about Firefly again. Only four episodes left...then I need to get the movie, Serenity. Lord, I love this show.

everybody dies alone.

GAH! This episode (Firefly - Out of Gas) is so good. Seriously. It's things like this that inspire me to tell stories. I'm ecstatic.

there's no place i can be, since i found serenity

Firefly is not only the best sci-fi I've ever seen, but the best show period. Simply put, Firefly is a science-fiction western. The mix is odd, but endearing. Please, watch it.

Spread love like violence.

I oscillate. I know that. And it often makes little sense to anyone but me, which is fine. Right now I'm thinking about how much I love Angels & Airwaves, but really only came to this realization after going back and listening to all the old Blink-182 albums for a few days. It's amazing to see such progression both musically (of which I understand little) and lyrically (with which I feel a greater connection). I love these lines, "I can hear you breathe / I'm feeling the shake / and sound of my heartbeat." I love simple, honest, emotive lyrics.

I'm feeling very positive, hopeful and okay right now.

I thought we could wait for the snow to wash over Georgia and kill the hurt.

I don't know why I even try to make anyone happy. I only get feedback when I'm disappointing. Fine. I get it. I'm not what you want me to be. Just give up on me already.

Filled with fire, I'm drinking gasoline to make it go faster.

Friday. Comic books. Little Caesars. The mall (oh so high school). Miniatures. Best Buy. Eric's apartment is amazing. A slightly still hazy Friday night, although I think Eric and I entered into some sort of business contract together. After that is blurry, all I know is that it cost me $40. Stuart MIA. Saturday. Sleeping. Headache. Loaning clothes and thus being an integral part of a successful job interview. McKays. Blink-182 cds. $20 Final Fantasy Tactics...almost. Laura in from Chattanooga. Very yum dinner. I love when people cook for me. Make note to return favor. Political musings. Narrowly avoided Sassy Ann's. Stuart still MIA. Sunday. The Complete Works of Shakespeare (Abridged). Funniest, liveliest show I've seen yet at the CBT. I love the lab theater. Erin played Stars, "The First Five Times." I bristled with excitement. Three Epics. Fifteen Badges. Learned to tank Heroics. First ZA. Oh yah, and I got internet. In my apartment. Yes. All things considered, a relatively successful weekend. The first weekend I haven't wanted to end in a long time. I still miss you.

Yeah we're stubborn and melodramatic

It was pointed out to me that I'm not very good at "being still." I know, I'm not. I struggle with just letting things happen because I always have this nagging feeling that if I don't try to keep things going they'll just fall apart. I don't know. I know I'm being vague, sorry.

I want life in every word to the extent that its absurd

I'm somewhat obsessed with dying. I don't mean afraid of dying. What I think concerns me the most is the mess I'll leave behind. I think of all the little things I've left undone and I don't mean finishing up school or stories even. Sure I worry slightly about the state of my physical affairs and what sort of impression or responsibilities I'll be leaving for others, although I tend to think that my friends and family will not be too concerned with my dirty dishes or messy apartment. I worry about Luna. She's probably the only one that actually needs me and though I know someone would take care of her very well, I still think she'd be the one to notice me being gone the most.

Mostly I worry about the relationships where I've said or done too little, despite always wanting or intending to do more. I'm afraid of being gone and unable to reassure my friends and family that I always noticed the little things they did for me and that I was always thankful for them being in my life. I don't mean to go down this path with the intention of letting my life feel like a shadow is closing in on it, but rather as a means of encouragement; to encourage myself to be more proactive in all of my relationships and life in general. I don't want anyone to need to question how I'm feeling or whether or not I'll be there for them tomorrow, next week or next year.

Lately some of the more important relationships have been a struggle to maintain. I'm weary from the emotional strain and at times wonder whether I have anything left to give. Part of me feels broken. And yet, when I feel that my heart is no longer salvageable is when there's that little breath of air, a respite. As time goes by, I grow more attached to The Dark Knight's Harvey Dent (and will probably find a way to include TDK in my posts for a long while) and his philosophy towards life. "I make my own luck," he says. I believe in that. My supply of determination and constancy is endless because I choose it to be. In a way, that's reassuring. Not that there aren't other reassurances. Faint, but still tangible. I can believe in that.

Hey unloving, I will love you.

I feel horribly selfish right now. And not just the simple "lets eat where I want to eat and go see what movie I want to see" selfish but a much larger scale, more vile selfish. I'm being selfish in relationships that mean more than anything to me. And as I sit here, I can't for the life of me figure out just how I let that happen. I've made it my mission, and even more than that, one of my main sources of joy and happiness to be loving, considerate and selfless, yet I find myself doing the exact opposite and now that I see it, I loathe every bit of it. I relentlessly pour myself into the people I love so they'll know just how special they are, but I grow impatient and frustrated waiting for reciprocation. I'm so ashamed by the way I let myself feel, and even more by the way I reflect those feelings.

It's situations like this where I'm reminded how horribly broken we are as a people and just how undeserving I am of Christ's love. I've done so little to return the love He's shown me, yet I allow myself to grow frustrated with others, especially when the love I show is so insignificant in comparison? Perhaps I needed that. Maybe I need to be humbled and reminded that I'm just as weak and needy as anyone else.

Or perhaps this stumbling block also serves as a means to rededicate myself to loving others better and more unselfishly. I don't need constant attention in order to give love to others. I really don't even need them to notice or thank me for it. Loving is an act of giving, not receiving. If I let myself turn it around, I'm perverting the meaning and beauty of it. Gah. I'm sorry for being so needy all the time.

A myriad of things.

I need to collect my thoughts, but I feel that I have a copious amount of words to say regarding super heroes and mama mia. more soon.

I'm a dog chasing cars. I don't have plans. I just do things. I'm not a schemer.

Today I really felt the urge to buy something. It was payday and I don't very often haphazardly shop for myself (something about buyer's guilt, which actually does allow me to shop quite contentedly for others), but today I really just wanted to get something new and fun. So anyway, I spent about an hour at Borders and ended up with a Batman graphic novel that I'd heard good things about; Hush. I picked up both volumes and read the first already. It was soooo good. I'm saving the second for work Tuesday morning....I hate Tuesdays so hopefully this will help improve it! Hah!

Oh, and Final Fantasy XIII was announced for the XBOX 360 today at E3. Yep, I'm pretty sure the sky is falling.

"It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, it's never ever the thing you'd expect"

Ugh, life. Sometimes I get myself so twisted up with what I WANT to do and what I tell myself I SHOULD do to the point where I know one of them is a lie, but I can't figure out which anymore. All I know is that today was not what I expected it to be. And I loved it. Nothing makes sense and I don't even care anymore. I want to be turned upside down over and over until I can't breathe anymore and never see whats coming next. She does that to me and sometimes I just want to scream at how impossible everything seems but I know that I don't ever want to be without the craziness of it all and maybe I even thrive on it. Perhaps.

In other news, I got to 70 with Pedwing yesterday and started gearing him up for Karazhan, which is fun. Now to level up the Rogue, Wingped.

I made my second Blu-Ray purchase last night and it was dandy. Bridging the gap between Batman Begins and The Dark Knight is the animated feature Batman: Gotham Knight. It's six interlocking short films, each by a different director and art team. The result is an amazing, fantastic Bat-experience. Ah. I can't wait until Thursday night.

Uh, what?

Since I found myself in a Bat-mood lately (wonder why?), I decided that I would pick up some Batman comics during my weekly run to the comic book shop. I'd been thinking of checking out the brand new Batman event, Batman: RIP, since I'd heard about it so this seemed like a great time to jump on board. As of this week, there are only four issues available, so I grabbed all of them.

They were amazing, up to a point. The tone for the series is intensely dark, just as I'd hoped, but somewhere in issue three things took a turn for the indescribable. For some kooky reason, Grant Morrison feels the need to dig up a very silly Silver Age story. The story in question? Take a gander...



Yah. The Batman of Zur-En-Arrh has returned in all his glory. I still don't know what to say.

Mrglemrgle.

I really feel like I need one of these. Uh huh.

"From the hugely popular World of Warcraft PC game universe comes this fantastic talking Murloc Plush."

WTB! PST! :D

I don't need a cloak to become invisible

It is an incredibly frustrating feeling to be well...frustrated...and not know entirely why. I hate it. I half expected this summer to be the best ever (ya know...graduating, just working without taking classes, hanging out with friends, playing video games), but it just hasn't been what I expected. Maybe thats my fault. No, I'm sure its my fault. For the past year I've had certain expectations of how I wanted or at least hoped parts of my life would go and they just haven't gone that way at all.

Now, in a struggle to adapt to the disappointment, I'm mostly just floundering and not progressing. I'm beginning to feel emotionally empty and feel like I've been fighting to stay on top of things for so long now that I forget what it feels like to just feel comfortable. It's no good, and I'm no good at it. Yet, my biggest failure here is that I'm not letting God help me deal with it. It's so strange, to put so much of your life into God's hands and love the awesomeness of it, but still keep a small part of it just to yourself and think you can deal with it on your own. I've been doing that, just trying to be the best I can be and just let my love try to fix existing problems, but my own love isn't enough to do that. I can't do these things on my own and I'm frustrated with myself for forgetting about God and trying to for so long. But in a way, I'm thankful for God using something that hurts me to remind me that He wants to heal those wounds.

So I guess I'm in a strange place. I'm not looking to make any hugely practical changes, but instead let God heal my heart instead of trying to keep up with doing it all on my own. I can't heal the wounds as fast as Satan causes them...but God can. And will. And does. And is. Also, I need to keep working on loving others better, and not just the ones that I want to love, but the ones that are hard to love for whatever reason. Right now, there are definitely a few of those...but I can't let life blind me to the fact that Christ loves them. So I should too. And will. And do. Gah. I just want to love others and be happy. So yes, I'll do it.

I just want my coffee

I was half an hour late to work this morning. Not my favorite way to start the day.

On a more positive note...I'm going to get my hazelnut latte in just a bit. Yum!

Update: The printer network is down today...on the day of final exams. Huh. Maybe the latte will have to wait...

All the possibility and promise just weighs on me so heavily

I don't feel like I fit in with the mindset of most of my friends. And I guess by most of my friends, I really mean my guy friends. For example, most of my guy friends really just want to have fun, party, play videogames and do their own thing. I know I used to be that way, especially back in my WoW addict days, but it just seems so unappealing now.

Instead, I find myself more interested in acting almost like a married person. Intense, I know. For example, today I went out with one of my best female friends to look for a dress for a wedding she's going to and on top of that hitting up JOANNE'S FABRICS, of all places, for some sewing supplies. I had a legitimately awesome time and that just makes me realize how far out of sync I am with the other people I spend my time with.

Don't get me wrong, I still love my WoW (and my currently lvl 65 warrior...woot!) and doing "guy" things from time to time, but more than ever I realize that I've kind of moved on from those things being a priority and am ready for something a little more substantial. I remember talking about possibly getting married just two years ago to the person I was dating at the time and it honestly scared the heck out of me. In fact, I'm sure some of the more selfish and mean decisions I made during that time were just me going into survival mode and trying to escape a relationship that demanded more of me. Now I'm just dying for whatever "more" is.

Oh to be dangerous, just once

I need to work on channeling Christ into the way I express myself on a routine basis. I think thats honestly where I've found my biggest hangup in my relationship with Christ time and time again. Like, I know my Bible reasonably (okay probably better than reasonably) well, but what does that really mean anyway? Truthfully, its nothing without the attitude to back it up.

Really what I'm getting at here is patience and understanding. These are two areas where I fall woefully short of where I need to be. The lack unnecessarily complicates friendships and relationships along the way. Yet, I hope that in admitting it I am taking a first step of sorts towards repairing the flaw.

At the same time, I push to be more self-assured. It's easy for me to second guess myself and abilities based on other people's reactions to me, and its got to stop. I'm likely an all-around pretty average person, but I also know what I do well and I'm not going to be shy about it, especially when it comes to potentially life-changing situations. It doesn't make me arrogant, it just makes me right.

As a man of Christ I should be caring and comforting, but never lacking in fiery passion and self-assuredness. It's an interesting, wonderful, crazy balance, but that's part of what makes Christ so compelling and wild.

To those who hated Christ's message, he was seen as dangerous. Shouldn't we be the same?